Warning: This blog entry might feel a little jumbled… I did the best I could to be concise, but it all just kinda came flowing out as it is…………………………………………………………………
I am so grateful to have this miracle of pregnancy happening in my body. It often doesn’t feel real….Well, that is if you don’t count feeling sick aaaaaallllll the time. HOWEVER, the past three days seem to be treating me well, which I am so grateful for. I am starting to feel a little bit more like myself and it feels so good! I do feel exhausted a lot, but I pretty much suspect that is completely normal (don’t worry folks, my doctor says my iron levels are ok).
For awhile I have wanted to post this blog entry, but simply didn’t feel well enough to try to think in full sentences and paragraphs. Now that I can think a bit, nothing’s stopping me! ha ha
I want to share with you something that happened a few weeks ago in my prayer time. But first I have to share that my prayer times these past few months have been very frustrating. I have been so sick that prayer often didn’t feel meaningful and I have been very distracted. Sometimes I have cried pity tears for myself (even though I am grateful for this miracle). What can I say? I am a person VERY in touch with my feelings and if I feel miserable, there is nothing hiding it. My prayers have often been, “Please help me, Lord” or “I’m so sorry I can’t concentrate” and so on and so forth. I do have disciplined prayers that I pray each day over kids and family, but my freelance prayers (aka: personal connection with God) felt soooo surface level.
Something happened a few weeks ago that overwhelmed me so much. It was soooo needed and soooo God.
As I was praying and crying pity tears for myself, all the sudden, verses from Psalm 139 began to come out of my mouth. For those of you who have not experienced this, I am not trying to sound mystical or weird. It is just what happened. The verses were coming out of my mouth involuntarily and as I said them, the presence of God began to overwhelm me and pictures of the story of my miracle began to come to my mind in correlation with the verses. I don’t even know if in writing this, I can fully explain the depth of what God did in my heart…. But I am going to attempt to share.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” As that verse came to me, I was picturing the fact that all the eggs I would ever need to conceive children were planted in me in my own mother’s womb. At Week 20 in pregnancy, there are at least 7 million eggs in the unborn baby’s body, if you didn’t already know that. That means that 32 years later, God graciously allowed life to come from one of the eggs He planted in me before I was ever born. WOW. That is deep when you really think about it. As my mom changed my diapers, coaxed me to eat my oatmeal, etc, etc, the future generation was within me waiting for its proper time to come forth. That just bogs my mind.
“Your works are wonderful, I know that full well….. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Now, this verse caused me to rejoice in a way I am quite sure I will not be able to fully express with words on paper. If only you could see my hands raising and my face lighting up with joy. To really go into detail on this verse would in itself be an entire blog entry. But, I will try to summarize. First, I have to give background information.
- For those of you who know me personally, I had been quite overweight for a long time. Well, let’s just say it as it was – I was morbidly obese. My weight, though looking just a little above average in college years, continued to increase and increase. I really didn’t even realize just how big I was. But I did feel completely hopeless. I know now that my fertility problems (not sure about the miscarriages) were directly related to my obesity. I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, which greatly affects fertility. Some people have that condition because of genetics and some have it because they are overweight. I say all that to say this: God has done a MIRACLE in me. I am going to be very transparent about this. I had no idea at all, but came to find out that I actually had an addiction to food. I was clueless to that. I just thought diets didn’t work for me and so on and so forth. I was not even in denial because I really was ignorant to what was really going on. Through a series of events, God used someone in my life to point this to me (VERY GENTLY) who was also able to give me TANGIBLE help. I am on a strict food plan, even in my pregnancy, and have received freedom from the addiction of food (through God!) and have lost 110 pounds along the way – not through surgery! The polycystic ovarian syndrome I HAD, went away within about 4 months of losing 15+/- pounds a month. And only 5 months later, we got pregnant! I am actually what is called an “interesting story” because I was not really done with my weight loss when I got pregnant. I still had about 40 – 50 lbs left to lose…and then God performed this miracle in our lives. P.S. Don’t worry friends. The minute we found out I was pregnant, my food plan was reformulated to STOP me from losing weight for baby’s sake.
Now that I have given you my background information, I have to share what made me rejoice so much as I recited the verse that morning. I began to reflect on several things:
- God’s patient endurance with me. I had a problem in my life that was causing me not to get pregnant. I did not really take that into full account and/or felt helpless if I truly considered it. But God knew He was going to make a way out when I was ready and desperate to hear the message of hope. All the days ordained for me were written in God’s book before one of them came to be! I just MARVEL at how I was making choices for my body that effected us having children, but God simply knew that in November 2010 it would all come into clear focus for me and He would come running to my healing!!!! I just want to shout when I think about the complete FREEDOM God has granted me. Freedom I didn’t even know I needed!!!! Victory I didn’t even ask for until I knew there was hope! Thank you God!!!!
- It was almost as if the moment it was safe for God to allow me to conceive, He did it! He is so quick to perform His miracles when it is His timing! In the past, when I would ask people to pray for us to be able to have children, I used to get soooo frustrated because they would always end up praying and/or stating (repeatedly) that it was a timing issue. AAARRRGGGHHH…. I used to leave prayer so many times frustrated. One such time, probably when we were married for a year or so (not even a thought of foster parenting in our hearts yet), a godly woman in our church prayed over me upon my request. It was during church when they asked for people to come up if you wanted to ask for healing. As she prayed for me, I vividly remember what she said. She went from prayer into prophecy and I knew it was from God, but I didn’t understand it at the time. She said, “It is a timing thing [once again…aarrrgh!], but when God begins to give you children, they will come and come and come [ok, my tears are now flowing] and there will be many very quickly.” Even as I typed the words she spoke over my life, I had to take off my glasses and weep and praise God because I TOTALLY understand that prophecy now. God had in mind all the children who didn’t have moms and dads to come to our home. God even used my messed up food addiction to turn His purpose of foster parenting into the folds of our life. If we had our own children, we probably wouldn’t have thought of bringing in foster children. Sometimes, it takes pain and loss, and even our own poor choices, to realize God’s purposes. What an AMAZING GOD we serve!!!! He uses even our messed up stuff to work His purposes. Oh, I am just so overwhelmed right now with gratitude and praise and joy to think of how wonderful it really is to be in God’s perfect timing – and on the other end of that prayer.
“How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! If I were to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand.” And that is exactly how I feel at this point in our journey (a journey that is not over yet). Just to see ALL that God has done, my heart multiplies and multiplies in praise. My heart just expands and expands in wordless praise – I can’t even use words to describe what God has done!!!!!!!!!
This blog entry has come with many, many tears of joy. And that is exactly what happened 2 weeks ago in my prayer time. I could not stop shouting and crying and praising God for His full miracle. He wasn’t only interested in us having a baby. He wanted me healthy. He wanted me to have a full life, not stumped by bad health and body limitations. He wanted to give me freedom. For the sake of myself AND my family! THEN, he wanted to give us children that my body could carry. In His timing and in His order. And it is ALL SO GOOD.
All praise and all honor and all glory is God’s alone!!!! He is so worthy of all my praise and joy and love.
That morning as I prayed, my sorrow from sickness turned into ceaseless praise. Thank you Lord!