This past weekend, we went to see my parents. It was wonderful to see them! I got a little off my pattern with prayer and Bible reading and found myself barraged with fears when I returned. I was thinking almost too much about the baby (in terms of worry) and was having bad dreams that I had lost the baby.
Yesterday morning as I spent time with Jesus, I let it all out. I cried and cried. One thing I have learned is that Jesus hears our cries. Prayers are not a formula. They are simply our heart’s cry. All I could do was tell God how fearful I was feeling. How much I wanted this baby and how I was afraid that I would lose him/her. My eyes glisten as I type this. I do trust His final decision, but I expressed honestly how I was feeling.
When I finished praying, I can’t say all the fear totally lifted, however, I did feel the nearness of God.
Throughout the rest of yesterday, I was often encouraged through various means that I should not worry and fear over things that are simply not in my control. As I went to pick up Little Brother from school yesterday, I listened to a brief interview from the author of Thunder Dog, a blind man who escaped one of the buildings that had been attacked on 9/11, with his guide dog. After he got out of the building, he realized the building was collapsing. In his words I quote, “God I can’t believe you got us out of the building to have it fall on us…[then] I heard a voice as clearly as you hear me, ‘Don’t worry about what you can’t control. Focus on running with Rowsel [his dog] and the rest will take care of itself.’ And that’s what helped me because then I had that immediate sense of peace.”
As I heard him share on the radio, I was instantly encouraged. Here was a man who barely escaped death – and was able to focus on the matter at hand – through the strength of God. I was reminded that I too cannot worry about things I can’t control. Focus on making good choices, on remaining prayerful and trusting – and the rest will take care of itself. Whether good or bad outcome, it is truly only in God’s hands.
So, today, I had the “big” appointment. I went in for my 10 week ultrasound (I know I just had one a little over a week ago, but my doctor is generous). I also was given a bucket load of information from the nurse and basically had my first real consultation. Most ladies would have this appointment as their first real appointment. However, my situation has called for a closer eye and more frequent visits. I often joke that my file is red in color and the minute I call, they call me in right away for an appointment. LOL.
As she started the appointment, she commented on my file and how everything was looking great. We were having very positive interaction. As she started the ultrasound, I could see the baby in the uterus. But the baby wasn’t moving. I didn’t see the heartbeat. The doctor said, “Hmmmm…” in a thoughtful tone.
It all added up to the dreadful moment I had feared. I sat in silence and thought to myself, “Is this really happening again?” Yet, I was peaceful at the same time. Not in an assured way (as in nothing was wrong), but in a “God You are in control” way. I just said in my heart, “Well, here we go again.” I mentally jotted a list of all the people I would have to call immediately to let them know the bad news. I thought of how I would have to call Jeff and break his heart. Within a few short seconds, I knew many of the things I would have to do.
I didn’t have time to approach the subject in my heart of why this keeps happening. The doctor interrupted my thoughts, “Let me try something.” She kinda “shook things up” and all the sudden, Baby O’Farrell was moving all over. Kicking, waving his/her arms and the heartbeat could be seen on the monitor clearly. Was Baby O’Farrell sleeping? I do not know. But, I do know is that our baby is alive and well! The doctor commented that our baby is very active. It was amazing to see.
With my history, every little miracle is appreciated and savored. I have never had a chance to see what I saw today in my other three pregnancies. And I marveled at God’s goodness and was greatly encouraged to continue trusting Him!