This past Tuesday marked 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
The weekend before that, my nausea was relieved for periods of time. What did I do? Did I thank God for the reprieve OR did I start to worry that I might have lost the baby?
You guessed right – I was afraid. After all we have been through, I just can’t take pregnancy lightly with whimsy and fantasy.
As one of my friends (who has experienced miscarriage) told me, “I feel that the joy of pregnancy has been taken from me. I can no longer have simple joy when I find out I am pregnant.”
That has been my experience as well. I am in a new place with pregnancy. A place I have never been. I do feel fear when specific issues come to light – such as lack of nausea. But, in general, I am not fearful (like I have been in the past). However, I am not over the moon elated either. I am hopeful, but trust whatever the outcome. I dream, yet push the pause button in my heart. It is hard to describe the total joy and hope I contain, while at the same time feeling very grounded in a peace that doesn’t allow for emotions of high highs or low lows….or baby furniture shopping or maternity clothes shopping (not that I need it yet).
I realize that part of my journey with miscarriage in the past has been used to show me that I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO control in ANY area of my life. In the area of pregnancy, I am so completely (and peacefully) aware that if God wants this child to come full term, then nothing will stop Him from doing that. I can’t bend the wrong way or wear too tight of pants or lift something 1 oz heavier than I have been instructed and lose the baby. Those things don’t result in miscarriage (though most of us who have experienced miscarriage instantly look for the blame in ourselves).
On the other hand, if our baby is needed in heaven before birth, there isn’t anything I can do (within reason) to “hold on” to the baby. I have NO say. I can’t rest enough, pray enough, sing certain praise songs enough, or make “deals” with God enough to get what I want. It is GOD’S call. And, honestly, I am comfortable with that. Just KNOWING that our lives are in God’s hands and that His purposes are above our own. [Of course, that doesn’t negate the fact that if we were to lose the baby, we would deeply grieve].
My last miscarriage came after so many hopes and believing it was our miracle. BUT – I lived in fear. I now realize how much I was trying to make deals with God. I would sing certain songs that declared promises – not really out of faith in my heart, but just with such DESIRE of what I wanted. Don’t worry – I know it was a good “want”, but I realize my heart was on the wrong path at that time. I cannot take control of what happens – or think I am. I can’t twist God’s arm to produce my desired outcome. It just doesn’t work that way.
When I found out I was pregnant (this time), I said a very simple prayer to God. It was something like: “God, I don’t know what is going to happen, but I choose to trust You. I will not try to twist your hand or try to make deals with you to keep this baby. I am not going to sing certain songs over myself to get what I want from You. You know what I desire, but more importantly, You know what is best. Whether this goes well for us or not, You are the same. You never change. You will always have my heart and my devotion and my all. There is nothing I need more than You.”
So……….back to this past Tuesday.
My doctor wanted to do an ultrasound to see how the baby was doing since I voiced concern over lack of nausea (which TRUST ME has returned).
As I was getting ready to go to the doctor, a song we sing at church came to my mind. As I sang it, I felt such as strong presence of God come over me. The tag of the song is simply, “Because You’re with me, Because You’re with me, Because You’re with me – I will not fear.” [Here is a link to the song: <a href=”http://youtu.be/HfdAvyVzB34%5D”>http://youtu.be/HfdAvyVzB34]
As I drove to the ultrasound today, I was reflecting on how I can’t look at an ultrasound with joy. I have such caution now when I get one. The last miscarriage was discovered on an ultrasound. As I reflected on my cautious heart, I was able to present my heart to God again. “Whatever happens, Lord, You have my heart” and “Because You’re with me, I will not fear.”
As the doctor turned the screen to me, I saw our baby much bigger than two weeks ago with a thriving heartbeat.
In that moment, I joyfully thanked God that because HE was with me, I did not fear. Another good report is never expected, but is certainly ALWAYS welcome. And I am so grateful for the kindness and mercy and love He has extended to us.
The rest of the words to the song flow in my heart now as I type:
My hiding place
My safe refuge
My treasure Lord You are
My friend and King