“Reason Why.“ and “Reason Why?“ are phrases that comes to my mind when writing this post.
There is “Reason Why.“ I haven’t posted blogs frequently for many months now. I have been empty, for quite a long time, of the desire to write. Even in the most important season of adopting our two little ones, I had to WORK to post blog entries. I just didn’t have it in me.
You see, TD had to leave our home this past Monday. The journey of coming to that decision was very long, unexpected – and the hardest thing we have EVER had to do. All the things that led up to that point proved to be the most difficult season of my life. I am in no way pointing a finger at anyone else (including TD), but I am saying that I have been exhausted emotionally and mentally for quite some time. When we finally HAD to come to the decision, it was very difficult for my mind to wrap around the concept of our desire to be a foster home to bring the needy and hurting IN….and we were having to send OUT.
I asked God many times the “Reason Why?“…. I asked God why she came to our home. What was the purpose of us meeting her if it had to end this way – with broken hearts?
Quickly, I know many (not all) of the answers.
It is because she is precious and chosen by God. She deserved a chance to live with a family who would love her as a daughter, and not make her live in the home as a source of additional income. She deserved to know she could be loved and cared for – for real. She needed an opportunity to see that true love creates boundaries and living guidelines…that discipline and structure comes from a place of love. She had a chance to see that Jesus loves her and that she can know Jesus beyond the walls of a church. She had a chance to meet people within our church that could serve as tremendous mentors in her life should she wish to take that opportunity.
Sometimes, in my finite mind, I have the end of the story written. I imagined she would stay with us until she aged out of foster care and then remain connected to us as a second source of family. She would come home from college and drop in for a few hours of Thanksgiving with us before heading to her birth family. She would eventually give me a hug and say she was grateful for all the times we put our foot down because “now she understands”. I imagined we would see her life unfold before us and we would get at least 2nd row (behind birth family) to her events so we could cheer her on. I imagined bursting pride when she received her college diploma and proved the foster care odds wrong.
In many ways, a lot of those imagined endings would have caused me to somehow snag some of the glory. I might have recognized that God did the work, but probably would have kept prideful thoughts in my heart connecting her choices to our parenting.
Not to say these things can’t happen for her still… We just grieve that we can’t be part of them.
Even as I type, I cry… She is so precious to us. We know her future can be immense.
Thank you, Lord, for the time we had with TD. Thank you that we were used in her life, even if it is unseen to her at this time. Thank you for trusting us to care for her. Thank you for choosing us… It was a privelege and honor to know her. We pray You will continue to cover her, protect her and guide her all the days of her life.
(I posted absolutely no detailed information regarding TD’s move on this blog entry as I care for TD and have deepest respect for her privacy. Please know that is also why I closed the opportunity for comments.)