My Heart Monitor

When I went to college, I thought I was doing well.  I was living on my own – 26 hours from my parents, was in a good Christian environment and was even a leader.  All my intentions were very good and I made great friends.

That is the part I would like to remember.

But for the past few weeks, every single thing that happened in college that I wish I could take back has come to me over and over again.  Memories visiting me in the day, visiting me in the night.

Sure, there’s the boyfriend from freshman year I should have skipped – that’s for sure.  That is one time I know God gave me a “no” and I will forever regret my disobedience.

But, more than that, there are specific times where I really missed the voice of God.  The kind of missing His voice where I felt He spoke to me and the truth is – He didn’t.  It wasn’t God.  But I thought it was and was publicly shown my error.  It was embarrassing.  It was painful to me.  I was impacted by it.

The picture of a turtle comes to mind.  Sometimes, I will feel the leading of God regarding something.  When I feel like risking my soft skin, I will come out for a few minutes and meagerly share what’s on my heart.  But if I think I am going to risk embarrassment to say God told me something – I will quickly retreat into my shell.

I am sorely afraid to be wrong.

Sorely afraid.

Tonight as I worshipped, this hole in my heart became so clear.  I have become so afraid to be wrong that it has carried over into other areas of my life.  I continually question if I handled my child’s issues correctly or if I overreacted.  The list could go on and on, but the point is that in my quest to try to never be wrong, I have exalted myself to a position of greatness I do not even wish to try to achieve. I have made myself so important that I perceive one misunderstanding with my child could lead them astray.

I think some would define that as false humility.  I don’t think a lot of myself confidence-wise, but I sure think of a lot of myself when it comes to perfection.  If I don’t do it perfectly, who will I effect around me?  AS IF ANYONE’S WORLD is revolved around ME.

I am afraid to be wrong.  In my quest to do something right, I have led myself directly to the point where I AM WRONG.

Tonight I called out to God to break this in me.  Trust me, it is not broken yet, but I am now aware of what is going on.

The memories that flooded me served a purpose.  They are showing me the root of something in my heart that God wants to remove.

Oh, that I would be willing to go the whatever depth God takes me to and do what He says.  Nothing held back for myself (easier said than done) and wholly devoted to Him.

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