Writing has become something I really enjoy. Sometimes when I talk, I am not super clear in expressing my thoughts, but when I write it just flows out of my fingers. I suddenly know what to say and how to say it. There are still times my words get jumbled up when I write, but I can just use the “delete” button or re-arrange my paragraphs when that happens.
I wish I could have used the delete button today as I had one of those days that I felt like a failure as a mom. Don’t worry – I am not talking about anything serious. I am just saying I wish I had edited some of my speech before it came out today. I had every reason to feel frustrated, but I just wish I had been a little more “put together” and presented myself in “edited” form.
I don’t think the kids have ever seen me cry – except at church during worship. But, today I cried in front of them because I couldn’t help it. I was so frustrated with one of my children that the tears just spilled out uncontrollably.
Little Sister put her hand on my arm and very compassionately said, “What’s the matter, Mommy? What’s the matter? Why are you crying?…You’re my Mommy, what’s the matter?” Little Brother’s jaw just dropped open when he saw me cry.
My reaction? I feel regret. I wish I had edited my words today. I wish I could have edited my tears.
I prayed and asked God to forgive me and help me in my time of need. Then, I talked to a friend who said, “You’re not perfect. You do know that, don’t you?” We kind of laughed at the statement, but she is right. I expect perfection of myself when I am only human and will make mistakes.
Oh well – back to the drawing board. At least where there is love, a fresh start is possible.