To Big Boy: How Can I? Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dear Big Boy,

As I put you to bed tonight, I cried.

You don’t like to go to bed and fight slumber with all your might.  But as I rocked you for quite some time, you were finally lulled to sleep.

Your pudgy cheeks caused your lips to pucker as you exhaled the warm air deeply.  Your chocolate eyes (which glitter with humor when awake) were sealed shut to the world with an occasional flutter.

And I wondered:  How can I ever say goodbye to you?

I know you belong to someone else, but I wish you belonged to me.

I wish I could know you from now ‘til manhood when you marry and take care of your family.  I wish we could know you through college – even if you brought lots of laundry bags along for the visit.  I wish we could know you in high school as you studied, played sports and chased your dreams.  I wish we could know you through middle school – as awkward as you might feel with braces and things.  I wish we could know you in elementary school as you learn to read, write, and express yourself.  I wish I could be the one to take you to your first kindergarten class.  (You’re such a social guy – you wouldn’t even cry).

I wish we could know you forever big boy…I really wish we could.

Maybe we will know you, maybe we won’t.  For now, I will stay in the present and stop looking so hard at the future.

We play a game you might remember someday….  I kiss your cheek and say, “You taste like bananas.”  You then kiss my cheek and say, “You taste like grapes.”…  We keep filling in the blanks for several minutes laughing hysterically at each spontaneous food the other tastes like.

It is moments like these I don’t take for granted, babe.  I will always hold them near.

And I will always wish you could have been mine to know your whole life through.


Miss Dana

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6 Responses to To Big Boy: How Can I? Wednesday, January 20, 2010

  1. Laurie
    This is too sweet! Even as a biological mother, I have looked at each one of my kids thinking the same thing. We are not guaranteed tomorrow and don’t know what the future holds. Life is so precious and we need to treat it as that. I am so glad we know who holds the future and that whatever the future holds He is right there by our side to help us through and mend our hearts. Only God knows what tomorrow holds but for now don’t worry about tomorrow, just take one day at a time and create beautiful memories today!
    Friday, January 22, 2010 – 10:22 AM

  2. Laurie
    I am sorry, one more thing came to my mind. I too am a foster mom. We all are when you think about it. No matter if our children were birthed through us or someone else, they belong to God and we have been given the great honor and responsibility to take care of them the way God would intend for us. We have them for just a short time and to raise them and train them in the ways of the Lord, then they will be released back to God. So I look at it as I too am a foster mom, in a different sort of way. But we all truly belong to God!
    Friday, January 22, 2010 – 10:31 AM

  3. Dana
    Thanks for your kind words… It was definitely one of those moments where my heart swelled with love and his impending departure weighed on my heartstrings…
    Tuesday, January 26, 2010 – 10:44 AM

  4. Hannah Sword
    Hi, Ms. Dana!
    When i read this, i started to cry. I realized how much I love Big Boy, and how much I would miss him, too. I love him so much, and I am always brought to tears whenever you write about him. Yet, I know that when/ if he goes back, it will be such a happy thing for him. I remember when I first met him, he showed me a picture and said, “I made this for daddy!” I almost cried then, right on the spot. He is such a blessing in my life. I LOVE YOU, “BIG BOY”!!!!!
    Sunday, January 31, 2010 – 05:01 PM

  5. Dana
    It always touches me when others love on our kids! Big Boy told us the other night that you are his FAVORITE friend. Toooo sweet!
    Love you!
    Monday, February 1, 2010 – 08:50 AM

  6. Pingback: Highlights from Beginning of Foster Parenting Journey to mid 2012 | The Painted Dresser

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