Tonight, as I was putting Big Boy into bed, we sat together and prayed, as we do every night. As I prayed, a burden of prayer came over me in regards to many aspects of his future. He sat on my lap for a solid amount of time while I was praying.
As I felt the burden of prayer lift, a phrase came to my heart and mind. “Into Your hands I commit this child. He is no longer mine, but Yours.” I whispered the words in my heart as I held him on my lap, rubbing his back. Secret tears rolled down my cheeks.
It is not that I think he is actually “mine”. I always knew he was God’s child and, of course, his birth parents’ child. However, I felt the burden of parenting lift from me.
The Biblical example of Hannah with her son Samuel came to my mind as I prayed. She committed her son to the work of God and brought him to the temple after she had weaned him… She physically entered the temple with the child she bore from deep longing and intense prayer – and then turned and physically walked away from him. There was no way to watch his daily activities. She did not know what he was doing or what choices he was making. Whether he was sick or well. She did not know. She simply followed through on her promise to wean her child and then bring him directly to God. He was in God’s hands and she had to be satisfied with that.
I feel as though we have weaned Big Boy and are now dropping him off – physically and spiritually – into the hands of God.
As I left the room tonight, I kissed him and said, “Mommy loves you.” [Daddy and Mommy titles are being used in our house now – especially with the two new ones – for reasons to be explained later.]
With a tender voice he asked, “Can I call you Mommy?”
I turned around, went to his bedside, touched his face and told him, “You can most certainly call me Mommy. I love you so much that I wish you had been a baby in my belly [to which he smiled]. You can call me Mommy and I will always love you.”
That seemed to satisfy him.
Big Boy will always be a treasure of a boy held close to my heart. I have a feeling that should we ever lose contact, he will be the one I will always revert to in my mind. I will always wonder what he is up to, what choices he is making, and what God is doing in and through his life.
He will always be our “first” child.