Do I Believe? Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Before TD came to live in our home, we had a weekend visit to kind of “try things out”.  As terrible as it sounds, it is standard for an agency to suggest a visit prior to an actual move (for a teenager).

The day before she came to visit, I was at Sam’s Club purchasing a few things we needed for Christmas.  While shopping, I came across a glittery statement in the decor aisle.  As pictured above, it reads: “Believe in Miracles.”

I felt my heart warm as I read the statement.  I decided to purchase it, hoping it would inspire TD to believe that, in fact, miracles do happen.  We could be her miracle in this hard time of her life.

Then the tables turned on me and I had to ask myself.  Do I believe in miracles?

Jeff and I were nonchalantly discussing how quickly we are running out of space in our home (as our bedrooms are small).  We want so badly to have more room as we long for more foster children to enter our home.  As we discussed our desire to expand and dreamed for a home with many bedrooms (or extra large bedrooms), Jeff interrupted my dreamy, visionary thoughts and said, “You make it sound like we won’t ever have our own children.”

I stuttered, exited my dreamworld, and said, “Why?  Do you think we will?”

He said, “Absolutely.  I believe we are going to have David Jeffrey and Abigail Christine.  [Names picked out long before our wedding day.]  Why do you think it is a dead issue?”

I instantly felt the vulnerable spot of my heart begin to get exposed.

Had I been holding on to something in my heart without realizing it?

I answered Jeff…I shared how it felt the many times my hope had been disappointed.  “It was not just the miscarriages that brought disappointment [and pain].  Every month of not being pregnant was disappointment too.  Just count it up.  6 years of marriage times 12 months minus 3 equals 69 disappointments – all nearly in a row.”  I continued with tears rolling down my cheeks, “Why, after all those disappointments, would I sit here and try to hope again?  Whey would I hang my heart out for yet another disappointment?  Why would I set myself up for that?  It is not that I don’t think God can do a miracle…  I just don’t know why I would ever hope or expect for one to happen.”

Jeff responded, “Hon, you’re crying…  I believe this is going to happen…  Don’t cry.”

I wish I could say I had resolution to this conversation.  That my faith has jumped over the hurdle of past disappointment.

But I can’t really say that.  I don’t think I could dare enter the realm of hoping for birth children….as I am most certain disappointment is waiting for me.

Instead, I am very content, grateful and full of joy for the precious foster children in my home.

Am I saying that is the end of the story forever and ever?

No, not really…  But for today, my heart cannot enter the dangerous world of disappointment.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, maybe in ten years.

But for now, I am truly happy to be part of big boy, TD and future foster children to come.

I feel I am smack in the middle of my purpose…even if little O’Farrell blessings are to ever come our way…  I have always said it and I totally believe it…

…I love our foster children just as much as I would love my own.

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